That Cat Has Problems: On JD Vance

The feline and the malign.

Gorgeous Eartha Kitt provided the week’s best meme: “Me driving to the polls.”

I am not a cat lady.

But I’m childless, and I’ve received a request from a paid subscriber to write about JD Vance and his “childless cat ladies” comment.

I’m not often moved by requests. I like to write about what occurs to me in the moment. But I’m going to give this one a go, because I think it’s a good opportunity for me to be honest about my decision not to have children. Again.

Most of you know I’m happy I didn’t have children, because last year I wrote a piece called I’m So Happy I Didn’t Have Children.

That hasn’t changed. I continue to feel waves of relief and gratitude for my satisfying, child-free life.

But according to JD Vance, I’m “miserable.” So miserable, in fact, I insist on making others miserable.

Vance is accusing us of spreading misery. We’ll get to this irony later.

Let’s look at the exact quote. In an appearance on Fox News in 2021, he said the United States is run by,

"…a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they've made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too."  

If that weren’t bad enough, now he’s defending himself, which is even funnier. He’s nothing if not tone deaf. While speaking to Megyn Kelly this week, he said,

 "I've got nothing against cats….”

Oh boy. There seems to be a question as to whom he was criticizing. Cats could care less what he thinks.

“…I've got nothing against dogs…”

Glad to hear it. I’m fond of dogs and men; but I prefer the company of women, because they don’t drool on me.

“People are focusing so much on the sarcasm and not on the substance of what I actually said. The substance of what I said, Megyn — I'm sorry, it's true."

No it’s not.

“These people want to conflate the personal situation here with the fact that I'm making an argument that our entire society has become skeptical and even hateful towards the idea of having kids.”

You have got to be kidding me.

Here’s the problem with being tasked with writing about JD Vance: Much like cats, I don’t care what he says.

The statement is just so predictable and dumb. It’s very difficult to take men like Vance seriously, because they aren’t serious people.

He doesn’t understand we aren’t insulted. His ego does not allow him to understand we are laughing at him and the way he thinks.

But, to deconstruct his words—

I think by using the word skepticism he meant thoughtful. People are finally considering what it means to have children, and my response to this is “hallelujah!”

Republicans freak out about the birth rate going down because it means businesses don’t grow. It’s happening in China.

Or, they’re of the belief that it’s our duty to reproduce, neglecting to consider the earth is a finite place.

We’ve all heard this observation:

You need a license to have a dog but not to have children.

There are plenty of people with children who shouldn’t be parents. And believe you me, I stand by this statement. There are many children, around 25%, who suffer from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, to say nothing of neglect and abandonment. There are plenty of parents who make the lives of their children unbearable.

A large part of my decision not to have children is my suspicion I’d be a bad parent. I would very much want to be a good parent, but I don’t think it’s who I am, or was. Wishing I were better doesn’t make me so.

During the latter part of my childbearing years, I was addicted to opioids, and that’s a wee problematic. But there were other considerations.

Back then I didn’t have the language I do now about my fear. All I knew was that my grandparents handed something down to my mother, who handed something down to me, and I did not want to hand it down to a little person. I couldn’t even name what it was.

I knew I didn’t want to pass it down, and I knew I’d fail. I didn’t want the responsibility of potentially harming a small soul, even unknowingly.

It’s very difficult not to become your own parents. Sometimes I hear myself talking in a tone which was my least favorite of my mother’s. I find myself getting angry at things which angered her, and I have to ask if they really make me mad or not. I don’t have to be upset by things which upset her.

I also require a great deal of time alone. I don’t mean you downstairs while I’m upstairs. I need to be alone in my house, or alone outside. It’s just the way I am.

Is it a good idea I raise a baby? I think not. You don’t get a minute off from babies. A friend of mine said she pined for the day she could shave both of her legs at the same time.

I have a better understanding now than I ever have of my mother’s family and the dynamics in it. I still struggle with not recreating those dynamics.

So “skeptical” is a good thing, in my book. Skeptical, for me, is honest self-appraisal.

Now let’s go to this other word he used: hateful.

I do not hate kids. I just don’t want to be around many of them. They don’t bring me the joy most people blather on about.

I imagine if my stepsons have children, I might want to be around theirs (in small doses.) But I guarantee you, I will not want to be around them all the time.

I don’t need to be. My husband loves children and can’t wait to have grandchildren. He was and is an excellent father. It’s one of my favorite things about him. He can change diapers and fill sippy cups to his heart’s content.

If by “hateful” Vance means knowing yourself, yes. I know myself.

I don’t think I’m hateful to kids. For the most part, I avoid them. I simply like people who know how to have a conversation. Small talk isn’t for me, and baby talk is the worst. In addition, I have the mouth of a 1950s sailor, and it makes parents cranky if I curse.

What would be hateful is knowing how I feel about kids, then forcing my company on a child I’d resent. That would be hateful to both of us.

I refuse to defend myself about knowing my own limitations as a human being. I feel downright virtuous about the whole thing.

There’s another word Vance uses about childless women: miserable.

Buddy, you have no idea how miserable some mothers are. I do, because they’ve talked to me. The people who know me understand they can talk honestly about family life. I don’t judge them.

But I provide something most women never get. Because our society loves to tell us being a mother is the most important job we’ll ever have.

And I hear countless women my age complain about their adult children. Their kids didn’t turn out as expected, and they’re still trying to change people who are now thirty or forty years old.

Abject misery all round.

I have first-hand experience at disappointing my own mother for not turning out exactly like she planned. If you want miserable, try being a child and knowing your parents don’t like who you are. It’s a virtual misery festival.

I did not grow up to be Secretary of State. So sue me.

But in my lifetime of admittedly very bad decisions, the one to remain childless is the smartest I ever made. I will never stop congratulating myself. As the years go by, instead of regret, I become more and more grateful.

I should mention I’m a stepmother. But I think of myself more as a friend to my husband’s two sons, or maybe Crazy Aunt, a role I adore.

They have an excellent mother. They don’t need me in that capacity.

But I will say they still make fun of me for how grumpy I’d get when they’d whistle in the car or put their elbows on the table.

I had a lot of fun with my stepsons as they grew up, and to my delight, I enjoy them much more now that they’re adults. They’re fantastic, generous people, and they put up with all my crankiness and foibles with great heart. I love them. I consider them family because they are.

Lucky me.

I do not need to be a mother, to them or anyone else.

Not wanting to be a mother is a good enough reason to remain childless. No other explanation is necessary.

But here’s where all this gets interesting to me.

Donald Trump and JD Vance have a couple of things in common. They’re both children in men’s bodies, and they both have mama issues.

The bottom line of evolution is adapt or die. We are changing as a society. Republican politicians are having panic attacks because they’re worried all this change means they’ll have to share their privilege and toys with the rest of us.

The current GOP is made up of many little boys insisting on getting their way and making the rest of us suffer. They’ve become a party of fantasists. They’re no more connected to reality than a four-year-old listening to a bedtime story, insisting on a happy ending.

Men like JD Vance just want their mamas to comfort them. They need to hear they’re the best little boys in the world.

I have trouble understanding such a degree of entitlement, especially when it comes to politicians. But I recently learned entitlement issues are brought about by emotional deprivation.

You just need to take one look at the GOP presidential ticket with that understanding. Suddenly, everything becomes clear.

Do you think I want this nation run by entitled children? I do not.

I am not unsympathetic to anyone with mama issues. I’ve had them myself. But it’s my responsibility, as an adult, to work through them. It is not cool for me to foist my issues on the nation.

It’s important for all of us—childless cat ladies, childless dog lovers, stepmothers, people happy to be alone, people happily married with children—to understand the barb JD Vance made isn’t personal.

It’s simply information. He’s letting us know something about himself. He’s hurt.

But hurt little boys like Donald Trump and JD Vance do not belong anywhere near the Oval Office. They’re men now. Hurt little boys in the guise of powerful white males can do a lot of damage. They’ll punish all of us to demand satisfaction for what was denied to them as children, and it’s an endless black hole of emotional need.

We can’t fix them. It’s not our job.

The best I could do is give them the number of a skilled trauma therapist. But until they do their inner work, they belong nowhere near the political arena.

As I alluded earlier, it’s difficult to take men like this seriously. But we must, no matter how ridiculous they are or distasteful the task.

The rules changed in 2016. We allowed Donald Trump to change them. Petulance and vindictiveness are now the norm we can expect from this bunch. They tapped into many of the hurt little white boys across the nation.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed a model of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Republicans are grieving loss of control, and they’re in the anger and denial stages. They’re still denying climate change. I imagine when it finally gets too hot to play golf they’ll make their way to acceptance, but we are not quite there yet.

I’m looking forward to Kamala Harris as president. Because I don’t look at her childlessness as a defect. I understand the amount of thought that went into her decision.

And the difference between Kamala Harris and an entitled white male is enormous. Kamala Harris thinks of others when making decisions. She knows not everything is about her, because she’s not a child.