There's Galling. Then There's Bill Maher.
Round Two of WGA Strike: This tedious man.
She Never Learned will undoubtedly be engraved on my tombstone.
It’s a big mistake to write a follow-up about talk show hosts crossing picket lines. Sequels are never as good as the first film. But Drew Barrymore and Bill Maher cannot become rocks starting a landslide, and I can’t drag her and ignore what he’s done.
There’s galling, and then there’s Maher.
He’s the proverbial kettle calling the skillet black. He’s had a career riffing on political idiocies, then crosses a picket line. It’s stunning.
Maher suffers from the same entitlement issues plaguing most white Americans in some form. We expect to be immune from suffering and sacrifice, like our nationality and skin color protect us from the human experience. They don’t, and more importantly, nor should they.
It’s this weakness which makes us prey to the powerful Death Eaters of Corporate America. Maher gives the money guys a glimpse of our soft, white underbelly. He’s all talk, then full coward.
Corporate America knows they can wear us down. They have better lawyers and more time, and bank on being able to exhaust us. Anyone who ever had to fight their health insurance company to pay a claim knows what we’re up against.
Try getting a prescription approved on a Friday night after you’ve worked nine hours, commuted, and have dinner to make for three kids. You can’t. You give up and pay cash because you need the antibiotic. It’s part of the corporate business plan.
That’s what Bill Maher is doing. He’s paying cash to the studios instead of going through the hard parts for the greater good. He cannot bear to be uncomfortable, and because he’s a man of such benevolence, cannot watch his staff go through hard times like every single other out-of-work person on both coasts.
So without further ado, here’s the second-rate sequel to satisfy everyone who wrote,
“Do Bill Maher next!”
(Uh, no thank you.)
His full statement can be read here. Lines in italics are his, not mine. I’m taking his statement apart, line by line. Bill could use a few notes.
1a) Real Time is coming back, unfortunately,
Just stop right there.
A period would be preferable to a comma after the word unfortunately. Half of your first sentence works better than the entirety of this statement.
1b) sans writers or writing.
I rest my case. But you’re forging ahead, and so will I.
P.S. We could use a statement sans cute little French words. Everyone knows you’re smart, you remind us constantly.
2) It has been five months, and it is time to bring people back to work.
Ah, the white man speaks. The white man has decided enough is enough, and his authority is not to be questioned. Much like George W. Bush, Bill Maher is The Decider.
And please, Bill, tell us of your suffering. We are all dying to hear about you anxiously worrying for five months if you will still be relevant by the time the strike ends.
The answer is no, and you have yourself to blame.
3a) The writers have important issues that I sympathize with,
Again with “the writers.” Somehow, your condescension seeps into the simplest of phrases.
And speaking of “the writers,” you will never have another writer friend. You are hereby sentenced to a lifetime of friendship with hedge fund managers, motivational speakers, and pharmaceutical reps. Yes, Bill, it’s important that writers get paid for their work and are not replaced by software. Nobody wants those tech dudes in Silicon Valley creating content.
3b) and hope they are addressed to their satisfaction,
Why does the Dowager Countess of Downton Abbey keep popping into my brain? Yes, little writer serfs. I hope they get their bread and water for the day.
3c) but they are not the only people with issues, problems, and concerns.
Well, I’m finally beginning to enjoy myself. I can imagine you giving this speech as you’re running for Republican class president in 7th grade.
I suppose I must state the obvious: it’s not just about pay, and it’s not just about “the writers.” If the motherfuckers who have all the money replace writers with AI, writers won’t be the only people out of work, asshole. Believe me, they’ll happily replace your smirking face with a friendlier image for middle America, then they’ll take your voice, which you’ve given them due to your egotistical myopia, and we’ll have a new talk show called Real Time With Bill Maher which has nothing to do with you. And you won’t be paid or able to do a thing about it.
At which point you will say,
Wow. I should have listened to “the writers.”
4) Despite some assistance from me, much of the staff is struggling mightily.
You reached into your pocket to help and are compelled to tell the entire world. On Instagram. #BenevolentBill is born.
Solid gold. You will never live this one down.
5) We all were hopeful this would come to an end after Labor Day, but that day has come and gone, and there still seems to be nothing happening.
Do you think Gandhi was worried about the British being kicked out by Labor Day? No? Neither are we.
6) I love my writers, I am one of them, but I’m not prepared to lose an entire year and see so many below-the-line people suffer so much.
First of all, you’ve implicated yourself by admitting you’re a writer. You’re a writer crossing a picket line. You said it, not I.
And I’d estimate nine out of ten people striking get by with a fraction of your salary. They’re much less prepared to lose a year than you.
I will take a pause in my criticism and note my appreciation for your properly hyphenated phrase, below-the-line people, but WTF, man. Please don’t call anyone below the line. If you knew any below-the-line people, you’d know how much they hate the term.
You’re really starting to piss me off.
7) I will honor the spirit of the strike by not doing a monologue, desk piece, New Rules or editorial, the written pieces that I am so proud of on Real Time.
You’re slipping, Bill, the sentence structure is getting a little sloppy. Also, why?
Why do you think a show devoid of the written pieces that I am so proud of (dangling preposition) is worth doing? Why do you think doing a half-assed show during one of the most important labor strikes of the century is so crucial?
Oh, right. The below-the-line guys. #BenevolentBill. I forgot your dedication to altruism, your selfless sacrifice for the little guy. Forgive me.
8) And I’ll say it upfront to the audience: the show I will be doing without my writers will not be as good as our normal show, full stop.
File under #NoShitSherlock.
9) But the heart of the show is an off-the-cuff panel discussion that aims to cut through the bullshit and predictable partisanship, and that will continue.
Ummm. I don’t think it was your greatest idea to inject the phrase cut through the bullshit as you cross a picket line.
Let me cut through the bullshit instead: you’re an arrogant, entitled man who thinks he’s sharper than the rest of we the pencils. Allow me to disabuse you of this notion.
It is never smart to cross a picket line. Every prop guy in the nation is going to be itching to slip a whoopee cushion on your seat when we get back to work, and that’ll be the least of your problems.
10) The show will not disappoint.
The host, though…
I came for Drew Barrymore but stayed for Bill Maher.